I’ve been trying to write this blog ever since I got back home early Monday morning, but I’ve been struggling. Probably everybody that knows me, knows that I can blab endlessly about minutiae, and there’s lots of it to tell. I had every intention of sitting down and going over every day and all the ups and downs of my sweet daughter having twins: the build-up of waiting, my fears, the delivery, my fears, the joy of meeting the babies, the disappointments as Jill had to stay in the hospital longer, my fears, and so on. But every time I’ve sat down to start writing, I can’t “bring it” like I usually do. My writing seems dull and empty, even to me, and I just can’t post anything, not yet. I think I’ve figured out why.
Hey, are we allowed to tell our real feelings on these things, or is it just endless prattle about sweetness and light? I know it’s not, it’s my blog and I can write whatever I want. I do try not to offend anyone (much); I try to leave out anything that would upset anybody who might read this. But I guess that’s why I’m struggling, and it’s not because of feared offenses. It’s because I’m heartbroken.
My daughter and her precious family are moving far, far away. I’ve tried to be upbeat and happy for them. I know they’ll do great wherever they go, and it’s going to be a wonderful adventure for them. But I am sad, so very sad. I won’t get to see them very often. My babies (all six of them – and yes, I’m counting Jill and Jared too) will grow up without me. I know I’ll see them at least a couple of times a year, and you know I’ll be watching those air fares to grab a reasonable flight whenever I can, but there will be no hopping in the car and driving off to see them for a weekend. And honestly, I haven’t even done that very often while they’ve been close enough.
OK, it’s only Virginia. Yes, that’s far, but it’s not Korea or Australia. I’ve been trying to soothe myself with those words, but it isn’t helping much. Jared left to drive there with his friend Peter this past Wednesday, and during the time I was in Arizona, we were in full preparation mode. Making plans, shopping for Jared’s new work clothes (subsequently stolen by someone who broke into his car in Texas), deciding what he should take, shopping for a GPS for him to take (in the end he borrowed mine), worrying about money. His new job is giving him a lump sum of cash to help with moving expenses (as well as paying for a moving company to actually pack them up and move them), but he has to work there a couple weeks before he’ll get the money, so they have to scrape by until that happens. But he has a great new job, something many others don’t have, they’re moving somewhere exciting and fun, and yes, we’re blessed, we’re blessed, we’re blessed.
But I am sad.
Added to this is the fact that my boss at work has been diagnosed with a terrible, rare, aggressive cancer for which there is no current treatment. His only hope is to get into a clinical trial at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota, but our (insert foul language) insurance is resisting approval of the tests that will qualify him for it. Yes, I’ve had my ups and downs with him. He can be a great guy that’s really fun to work with. He’s also tortured me from time to time to the edge of (what’s left of) my sanity. But I’m his “work wife” (he doesn’t have any others) and we’ve been putting up with each other for 17 years. I don’t want him to die. I just want him to be nice to me 24/7! Is that too much to ask?
So there you have it.
I’m going to write a second blog after this one and put in all of the happiness and joy of two new babies. I’ll try to hold off posting this one until the other one is about ready so that anyone who reads this can wipe this from their minds, if it ever lingered there.
Right after I’ve dried my tears. Again.
Well, of course you're sad, sweetie. You've just experienced the birth of two new grandbabies and you're going to miss their childhood. Yes, you'll see them a few times a year but you know as well as I do that most of that time you'll be barely acquainted with them. Jacob will remember you, bits and pieces at least. Kadence, maybe. But for the most part you'll be only a voice on the phone or a skype picture. Is this a comforting comment? Nope. This is affirmation that you are right in what you have said. You have every right to mourn. You are losing something you cherish and it hurts. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, they simply do NOT understand.
ReplyDeleteI know that you understand there are so many blessings in this job offer and so you feel like you really can't complain, but that's not so. A lot of blessings have pain that goes along with them. This certainly qualifies.
As for your boss, I know a lot of what you have gone through with him. I also remember how blessed you felt when you got the job. I know how many times you have cursed his name and how much he has supported you when you have had tragedies in your life. You're right, you are his work wife and he is your work husband. You have been there for each other in a platonic sense for a long, long time. This is horrific news to get, and the fact that you have no support system to help you deal with it means you have to go it alone and that's a heavy burden to carry. I wish I could be there to help you. You are bound to have a lot of tears over this and since you can't let anyone at work know about what the prognosis is, you have to put on your game face and play like everything is okay. Man, that plus dealing with losing your grandkids due to proximity has got to be weighing very heavily on you.
All I can say is that you need to take good care of yourself right now and allow yourself to feel this sadness. You have more than just cause for it and it needs to be felt. If I don't get that job I interviewed for maybe I can come for a visit and we can hang out for a while. (Hopefully the flights to Vegas aren't too horrible.)
Love you so much, you are carrying a very heavy load.)
Susie
Thanks so much, sweet Susie! Thanks for always always understanding. I love you!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry :( I wish you could be closer to Jill & Jared, just like I wish mom could be closer to us.
ReplyDeleteThe good news is that I didn't get the job I applied for so I can come and see you as long as I am still unemployed. It'll be after my visit with Carolyn, but that should be about right since you have stuff coming up to, like the babies' blessings so the timing should be okay.
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Susie